Half way

I think that this is a good year! I can feel my kung fu improving, my awareness increasing, my commitment deepening. I have really been struggling and still moving forward every day. I think that spells success. I have talked about quitting, thought about quitting and still have gotten up and completed my requirements each day. I have had such thoughts and feelings before and it has definitely affected my performance. This year, I am continuing to move forward each day, that is the difference. I have shared my struggles more than before so that is also different, I used to suffer in silent and then talk about it after and share my learning. I think that I am growing and learning each day that I get up and improve my quality of life. I see many people on the team doing the same thing, perhaps not exactly what people expected but getting better and better each day. Success!!!!!

Happy Birthday Canada!

I have hips!

Yesterday was one of the greatest Kung fu days that I have ever had! I have been feeling disconnected from my hips, most noticibly in Tai Chi. So I was working with Sifu Dennis yesterday and I'm not really sure how it happened, what exact question or direction to try  this or that but I figured it out. I can feel, am aware of, know what it means to line up my hips with my shoulders. It was wicked awesome!!! After I went to open training and worked on my weapon and hand forms and I still managed to harmonize my hips and shoulders, I am so excited that I can't stand it. I finally get it! I want to do my forms every minute of every day! Yeah me!

Best I can

I have made no secret of the fact that I am struggling with my requirements daily.....currently I have good days and bad days and you can usually tell by my blog. I completely forgot to blog last night, I was hanging out with my family, watching movies and having fun and I didn't even realize I forgot until this morning. I know that I just have to it done, but some days, it is just not possible. Does that make me not engaged? I don't think so, I am just doing the best I can with the tools that I have.

Food, demo and kids :)

Today I managed to convince a group of small, hot and sweaty young people that we could practice kung fu, no matter what! It was challenging to face a group of kids that looked like they had absolutely no energy left for the day, but we did it together. We pushed ourselves, did some awesome techniques and combinations and felt good about it in the end.
I went to the demo practice tonight and had a good time fooling around with our forms and figuring out how to put them together in a demo. I also had an opportunity to work a little bit with a couple of sihings on their board breaking techniques, I kinda had a flash back to my board breaking experience.
Today I seem to have my old energy back, not exactly sure what I have done differently, I have made some food changes a few months ago and have adjusted that some more this week so all together, I think that I may be on to something. Healthy portion control, balanced food groups and don't cut down on anything if you are working out everyday!

Today

I feel like I am catching a cold, sore throat, aches, tired, small headache, etc.... I have been sleeping, like going to be super early, and trying to take care of myself. I am eating lots of fruit and veggies, taking my vitamins and trying not to over-extend. Hopefully, this will do the trick!
I got to spend the morning with Katie today, something we haven't been able to do in a while, and we had a good time. I love when she doesn't have to go to school and is available for hanging out during the day :)
I have been struggling with my meditation for many years but I have recently discovered that by doing tai chi everyday and walking early in the morning when no one else is around, it is a form of moving meditation. It is really helping me stay grounded and able to relax my brain a little bit. I am hoping as we cruise into summer that I will get to spend more time at the kwoon but for right now, it is what it is!

first day of summer

Aboriginal Days

today i spent the day with my work kids at our annual aboriginal days celebration. we had a great time, it was nice to be outside all day, meeting new people, greeting ones we already knew. we spent some time talking to some of the elders and that was educational and entertaining. it was an action packed day for all of us. consequently i worked late, came home and promptly fell asleep = too late to attend classes. i am glad that i did my daily reps at 4:45 before my work day began or i would be trying to figure out how to fit it in and i just want to  go to bed :)

Lion Dancing

How do you even talk about lion dancing? How do you describe what it is like inside the head? Being a tail is quite extraordinary, you are alone but not, completely connected to the head! I love being inside the head, it is like you are following a set pattern but at the same time, totally doing your own thing. You move the head around in a way that feels right to you but follow the drum and the steps that you have been taught. Last Saturday, when we were practicing, there was a moment where I was totally one with the lion, moving to the beat of the drum, completely unaware of anyone or anything else. When it was over, I was not sure how much time had passed! What a cool feeling! I want to do that again and again.
I certainly hope I can talk some folks into lion dancing for a bit tomorrow night :)

Suicide Prevention

I taught my suicide prevention refresher workshop today and I must say, I'm a bit tired. I love teaching, facilitating, leading a group of people and I find that it takes a lot of energy. I believe it is especially important that we teach people to talk openly about thoughts of suicide and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. For some reason, we have created a society that doesn't reach out to anyone when they are in trouble, don't share with anyone when they are down and believe that they can handle everything on their own. Well, some things are for sharing and getting help with and thinking about ending your life is one of them. There are many resources available if you don't have anyone in your life that you can talk to, hot lines, crisis, hospitals, all you have to do is ask. I realize that it is a really hard thing to talk about but it does actually feel better to get it out and talk about it. It is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, many, many people have considered suicide as an option during trying times in their lives. I believe that people don't necessarily want to die, they just want the pain that they are living with in the moment to go away. If we can help someone get past that moment then we can help them to live and not end their life. If you know someone who is down and out, ask them if they are ok and if they need someone to talk to. It doesn't have to be you, you can assist them in finding someone (like a professional). Many businesses offer opportunities to seek counseling, some health insurance policies cover the cost, if you need information, for yourself or anyone else, just ask.
What does this have to do with kung fu? I am very passionate about helping people who are feeling helpless and hopeless and that is a very big part of me. Kung fu has helped give me the confidence to talk in front of groups of people about something that I feel strongly about.

Work and forms

It is going to be a bit of different week this week, it only happens every nine weeks. I work Tues, Wed. and Thurs evening and then day shift on Fri, Sat and Sun. That means that I am lucky that I had an opportunity to help with the advanced black dragons today because the next class that I am available for is Friday evening and then that is it. I am looking forward to a busy work week and some nice walks with my puppy and with my work kids. I don't like being away from the kwoon so much but it can't be helped as my chosen profession keeps me away at times.
I am putting into practice some very valuable advice that I got for my hand form and my weapon form and it seems to be working. I think that I know what I am doing with my weapon form, or at least I can fix the obvious spots and hope that the rest will fall into place. I am working on not pushing my weapon into place but allowing it to go there based on my body movements. So I think that I know what I am doing but I am not really sure. I am working on not trying so hard and letting the movements speak for themselves, I am finding it hard to let go and just be. I will keep trying.

Moment in time

The feeling is totally back! All I had to do was get up and do it.....
Of course, when I was in the middle of my slump, I couldn't see the forest for the trees and didn't consider just getting up and getting stuff done. Today, it took no effort at all, I just did it. I'm curious about the human mind and how it works, how does one day make a difference? one conversation? one moment in time? It kind of makes you pay more attention to each moment 'cause it could be the one that changes everything.
I had a great day and didn't stop moving forward all day, it was nice to have that back. I did some work outside and inside, I spent some time with my husband, I spent some time with me, finished a book and practiced my guitar. My guitar lessons just had a moment, my teacher said something to me that stayed with me all week and it seems to be changing how I am approaching my practice; just keep strumming and the magic will happen. It seems to be working.
I also got some interesting advice about my form on the weekend, by trying so hard to make it flow, I'm ruining the flow. The weirdest part is that I totally get it. I have been struggling with my hand form forever, it feels like. It feels clunky and not flowy, so I asked my sifu and it has totally changed how I am approaching my practice. I think I know exactly how to fix it, it will take some time but I now know what to do.
I feel like I have been walking around in a grey fog for months and suddenly the lights have been turned on and everything makes sense. It was that moment yesterday that changed everything, I'm glad that I was paying attention. :)

Quitting? Who Me?

No quitting.The I Ho Chuan is a major commitment to yourself and to your team. Even though failure is a possibility, quitting is not an option. Remember, failure is only final if you stop trying. Pass or fail, you will evolve as a person by challenging the journey.
 
These words have been resonating in my brain for about a month now. I have vacillated between varying degrees of quitting, full on quit (who cares about the consequences) to finishing the year (poorly - on my own - no team). I totally could not get these thoughts where they belonged - in the trash! The other day, I was reminded that I may be suffering from cranal/rectal inversion, it was true I was. So I stopped wearing my butt as a hat and got back to the business of living my life. I was so busy trying to make a decision about what to do with my life, I forgot to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, no matter what. I was struggling to find reasons to stay on track, I am busy, I have a lot on my plate, I have stressors, I have no time. Sound familiar? Today, Sifu Brinker said something that made me think Yes! Exactly! You have the tools, use them!!!(it may not be those exact words, but it is what I heard) One of our teammates was talking about struggling and  I distinctly remember thinking I had very similar thoughts and lack of action, and that was quickly followed by, just get up and do it. Stop struggling, stop talking about how tough it is and do it, you can do it, you did it before, you can do it again. You had a good thing going, so do it again, nothing is in your way but yourself! 
So I am officially back on track, getting up everyday and taking steps towards being amazing.

I need my team

Hey Team,
I had a great weekend! That is saying alot since I was sick last night!!!! Even though I was on the bench, I felt like part of the team, I got to visit with some people that I wouldn't have been able to if I was on the matts. Today was more of the same, walking in the parade is a great opportunity to get to know your teammates better (okay so is trapping them in a vehicle for 40 minutes and peppering them with questions!) and lunch was a blast (good food is always better with good company!). The rain didn't dampen our spirits, we continued on in our happy place all the way home. Thank you team for hanging out with me this weekend, I needed it :)

My girl needs me!

Today I had to take my little girl dog to the vet, she had a growth on her paw that needed to be removed. I was a little anxious as we have not had the best of luck in the vet department. The guy is a friend of my brother and his vet, he is really down to earth and easy to talk to. He let me stay with her the whole time and talked to me and her like a normal person. My pup is recovering nicely but of course doesn't want me to leave her side. I don't mind a little couch time with my girl, she has cuddled me back to health many times, the least I can do is return the favor. :)

My forms

I love Tai Chi and I have been working on my form for several years. It feels like each time I fix something, then I notice something else that needs my attention. At first, I really struggled with always fixing something, I sort of had that I'll never get this right feeling. As I have grown with the form and in my kung fu, I realized that I will always be working on something in all of my forms, just not always the same thing. In the beginning, I needed to learn the moves and the stances and then I needed to learn the form (it takes some time) and after that I needed to get in touch with how it felt to do it right and now I am focusing on my Chi and how it moves. I think that if I could apply this same focus and concentration to all my forms they would vastly improve.
I chose the Tai Chi Broad Sword form this year because the movements are similar to the Tai Chi form that I love. I am really enjoying doing Tai Chi with a weapon, it feels flowy and elegant. I can't really say how it looks when I do it but I know that I like how I feel when I do it. I can feel my Chi moving around, I feel in control of the movements by letting them happen instead of making them happen and I feel good when I do it.
I also chose a hand form that is very different from our usual forms and very different from Tai Chi and I am struggling to make it mine (even after all this time), it still feels like it doesn't belong to me. I think that I will try doing it slow like Tai Chi and see if I can get a sense of it. I know that I keep repeating the same mistake but I am not really sure how to stop it. Perhaps the Tai Chi idea will work, any thoughts from my team will help. I know a few of you have struggled with forms before!

Removed

I seem to be really struggling to find something to write about over the last little bit. I am working on my forms, completing my requirements and recording my progress and I feel a little removed from it all. Not really sure what is going on.

My days

Where have I been? Many places!
I worked on Friday night and discovered a nature reserve by Devon with my kids. It has a lovely boardwalk, information posts about the wildlife in the area and a couple of look out points. The kids had a great time, the best conversation was them discussing the virtues of living in the country versus the city. It was fantastic!
Saturday was a great day. I started the day with the little ones as always, they always warm my heart. I walked over to the marshaling area for the parade and was reminded of how much I enjoy the trails in Stony Plain (I've had some great training experiences there with my friends) and had a great time chatting with my kung fu family before and during the parade. My hat is off to the buyer of the candies, those suckers are great ! (I was part of a committee to test for quality control, for the children!). The demo was great, I always enjoy being a the senior's center.
After my kung fu day, my family enjoyed a gathering to celebrate my brother's birthday (he turned 50). It was a momentous occasion, there was great food, singing, dancing and a photo booth! That young man certainly knows how to celebrate. There were lots of laughs and many memories were created (I can hardly wait for the remember when's to start!), and the best part was experiencing the whole thing with Jim and Katie (the pics tell the tale!!!)
Today I am preparing to go to work, slowly and precisely, and hope to experience another beautiful walk with my work kids this evening.
ps I walked 19,482 steps (8.15 miles) before midnight yesterday and another 3,000 after!!!!!