Rough Week

Self doubt, negativity and fear have plagued me throughout the past week, again. Just when I think that I have conquered this stuff, it comes back in spades. The difference this week, compared to all the others, is that I kept going. I acknowledged the negative thoughts and continued to work out, meet the obligations that I had set out.

I assumed that I could put to rest some of the garbage that lives in my head and move on. It seems that I can control it to an extent but it continues to live there. The way that I deal with it is changing. I am not letting it control me and how I eat and what I do, I am in control of it and I am choosing to ignore it this week and hope that it will slink back into it's hiding place sooner rather than later. I must admit that it is tiring and my smile does not come as readily to my face as usual but I am willing to stick it out and win this battle.

The above entry was last week's and I was afraid to publish it because I was afraid. I attempted to ignore what was happening in my head and push forward and not tell anyone what was happening. It did not have the effect that I was looking for. It got worse, it refused to slink back into it's hiding place, it demanded to be dealt with. I did what I know how to do best, I got scared,worried that I couldn't work past it and I stopped. Yes, stopped! I stopped training, stopped attending class and stopped talking to people who could help me over this obstacle. It did not last for long ( the stopping), it was only three days, but it seems like a really long time to me. I was lost and alone.

So what did I do..... Well, I talked my husband's ear off. I made a list of the things that were bothering me, actually two list, one of things I could change and one of things that I needed to accept and move on. I also managed to put into words, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I shared this with a few people and found out that I am not alone( I never was) and I am not lost(just temporarily misdirected). I hope that I am not making this sound easy, it was one of the toughest weeks that I have experienced. I survived with a little help from my friends.

Moving forward

This has been an interesting week. I took some chances with my sihing group, I attended boot camp and forged some new friendships.

I decided last week that maybe I was not the only one who was a little apprehensive with upcoming black belt grading. (I feel like I have been working towards this goal for a long time, and now that it is getting closer, it is kinda scary.) I chose to share this with my group and could not be more relieved with the results. It seems that we all have demons to fight in one way, shape or form. The fact that we can all help each other through is a great feeling. I really feel a great deal of positive energy from my kung fu family.

Ahhh....boot camp! I love boot camp, I make no secret of this. It is a day completely devoted to kung fu. No phones, no interruptions, no interference from the outside world. The location helps to lay the ground work for this, it is at a beautiful location, out in the country, seemingly miles from civilization (with running water and flush toilets). Most of the day is fun, learning new stuff, sweating and playing with like minded people, eating together, sharing stories, and creating new ones. It sets the stage for the end of the day, the fitness test. This is a interesting bonding experience, everyone is trying to do their best and trying to encourage everyone else to do their best at the same time. The results (numbers) are not nearly as important after the test as you think they are going to be before it starts. What is important at the end is that you tried your hardest and so did the rest of the group and you have done everything in your power to help them do that. I always walk away satisfied that I put in a good days work. This year was no exception, although I did feel more bonded to this group then I ever have before. This probably has more to do with where I am and what I have to offer. I realized lately that it is not what you can do that defines you but how you get there. I am sure that I have been told that many times, it is the sinking in that takes time.