Growth, Change, and Staying the Same

I have been thinking a lot lately about my journey. I have changed a lot in the past year. I think about where I was last year at this time and I can't believe the difference. My attitude towards life, others, training, goals, (I could go on and on) has changed so much that I almost don't recognize the girl from last year.

It is almost time to start recording our push ups and sit ups to hand in for Sept. Last year at this time, I put a lot of pressure on myself to do it right and proper and I thought that at the end of the six months that I would be stronger and more capable. This year, I am stronger and I am looking forward to doing push ups and sit ups every day. I have stopped looking at the end and I am living in the moment. I used to always think, I can't wait , now, I'm just doing it.

I am training each day to improve my kung fu. Some days, I only have time to think about my forms and techniques and some days, I get to do them. I am excited each to day to approach my training with intensity and focus. I feel like a sponge, I seem to be absorbing everything that I am being taught. Sometimes, it may take a few repeats for me to catch on but I am able to learn more than before. I think I opened myself up to learning when I wrote my own black belt goals in Aug. and I have grown in leaps and bounds since then.

All though all people are created equal I am also beginning to realize that I am shorter than a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as a short person. I need to have a better grasp on where I am in the world if I want to be a better martial artist. I have to be able to judge how much taller someone is so that I can respond more effectively. This is especially the case in sparring, if I think that I am the same size as a taller opponent, then I will not be able to judge my distance or their reach. My plan is to look in the mirror when I am paired up with someone of a different size so that I can get a visual and learn from that.

A couple of weeks ago, Master Brinker lead the warm up for our class. He counted off 50 push ups in a row and I just did them. At first, I figured that it was more proof that he is magical and can make anyone do anything. When I asked him about it, I was surprised to find out that I had it in me all along, I just didn't know it. I had been doing 30 push ups in a row and I had figured that that was my limit. I now do 50 push ups in a row and it is not nearly as hard as I thought that it would be, and it doesn't take nearly as long to reach my daily quota.

I think that I used to be afraid of change and I now I embrace it, in fact, I demand it, especially from myself.

Squat thrusts - Who'd thunk it?

So last week my only thought on squat thrusts was Yuk! I don't like doing them, don't like how I feel when I'm doing them or how I feel after doing them. If I were one to say hate, they would come close to that category. It has always bugged me that there is a part of my kung fu that I don't like. It has been in the back of my mind for quite some time that I should do something about it. On Wednesday when one of the sihings suggested that we challenge ourselves to do a set number of squat thrusts, I thought, here's my chance to change how I feel. The first day was great, the exercise gave me an opportunity to spend some time with one of my clients. We talked about personal fitness, goals and how to reach them, as well as doing squats thrusts, push ups and sit ups. It was a great learning experience for both of us.
On the second day, some large obstacles got in the way of the exercise and my training. The positive is that I didn't beat myself up, I just adjusted my plan so that I could still reach my goal.
The third day was fun. I did my squat thrusts with Katie and we pushed each other through the rough spots. She is an excellent work out partner. She sucks up the encouragement like a sponge and then gives it back ten fold. It is great watching her leadership grow.
The fourth day was all about getting out of my own head. I was tired, work was draining, and all I wanted was some quality couch time. After approx. one hour on the couch and a serious popcorn munch, I was faced with two people who couldn't believe that I was blowing off my squat thrusts. I responded with, I'll do extra tomorrow. They left me to ponder that. It would mean doing double on each of the last two days but I had no energy and I don't really like squat thrusts. All my long and short term goals flashed before my eyes. It didn't take long and I was off the couch. I broke down the actually movement and started to almost enjoy it. I liked reaching to the sky, I feel long and lean while doing the motion. the squat seems like the easy part, I think gravity should take the credit for it. I also really like the thrust, it feels controlled and not at the same time. Its like I push my legs out, they have a moments of freedom, and then I pull them back again. So for my entire workout last night, I paid attention to how my body moved and marveled at what I could do. It was a cool experience and I am glad I pushed myself off the couch and did what I said I would do and I liked it. I am looking forward to the last two day of the challenge and I am planning on adding squat thrusts to my weekly training. I never thought I would like squat thrusts and I am glad that I pushed myself to discover them.

Feb.06/09 - What a month!

I am truly amazed at the obstacles and challenges that have presented themselves in the past month. It began with my return to work after my holidays. It seems a little surreal. My family had been coping with the loss of our dog for two weeks and returning to work was like getting hit in the face with a cold glass of water. Life went on for them, they didn't even know my dog, they (my workmates) empathized with me, but were not really affected by my life altering events. Hmmm.... So the first week was a struggle for me emotionally, I was coping by sticking to my routine, exercising and practicing kung fu.

And the, one of my clients attempted suicide. This is a very challenging thing to have to deal with. Once the person is safe and the crisis for them has past, then the team has to re-group and look after themselves. It is part of my job as team leader to make sure that my team is doing what they need to do to look after themselves. This includes reviewing the incident and discussing what we could do differently next time, listening to their thoughts and feelings regarding the incident and coaching them to use their coping strategies when not at work. I love looking after people but I find it exhausting. My coping stategy in this case was to sleep as much as possible and pore all my energy into doing my job. Good stategy for work, but not great for my routine for exercise and kung fu. This is why we do extra reps and work hard when we can, so when life takes a chunk out fo us, we can survive. I survived after a few days and got back on track with my routine.

And then I go to my first wellness meeting since before Christmas. I am shocked by the attitudes of most of the members of the committee. They seem to have lost their good will towards mankind over the holidays. They were no longer interested in improving the wellness of our work place, they seemed focused on creating something to show that we were trying to improve other's wellness. So instead of actually doing the work, they wanted to prove to others (?) that they were doing it. When they spoke about their teammates, it was in a desparaging manner and when confronted were defensive, blamed each other and took no responsibility for their actions. Hmmmm.... how did I fall in with this bunch of "caregivers", who only wanted everyone to think they were concerned with others? A bigger question.......what am I going to do about it? My first reaction was to walk away, label them hopeless and avoid the group at all costs. I don't think that I could sleep at night if I did that so I decided that I will stay with the group. I am going to continue to coach them that it matters how we talk to each other and how we talk about each other. I am going to continue to lead by example by not participating in their negative talk. I didn't think wellness would be so hard.

And then in class one day, Master Brinker talked about wiping the slate clean with the beginning of the Year Of the Ox. I liked that idea and we were to commemorate this new beginning with one thousand push ups and sit ups. My life/work threatened to get in the way but I was determined to complete my task. I set my watch and whenever possible, I stopped what I was doing at work and did 25 of each. This worked and I was 3/4 done by supper. I had mentioned the challenge to Katie and at first she thought she was too little for such a big task. When she focused on all the ways she could complete the task, she became more and more positive she could succeed. We were lucky enough to get to finish our push ups and sit ups together after supper and it was a great experience.

And then we got sick. Two weeks of not doing anything physical due to bronchitis and laranghitis, leaves a lot of time for relflecting and planning. When I envisioned myself reaching my goals, I thought I would work hard everyday and slowly, steadily, I would get there. This has not been the case, it is more like feast or famine. I have short periods where I can train for 2 or 3 hours a day and short periods where I can't train at all. It seems to be balancing out so that I am meeting my goals, just not the way I thought it would happen.


Now we are about to embark in a celebration of the Year of the Ox, congratulate our accomplishments of the past year and make plans and goals for the year to come. Whew.....what a month!