Self doubt, negativity and fear have plagued me throughout the past week, again. Just when I think that I have conquered this stuff, it comes back in spades. The difference this week, compared to all the others, is that I kept going. I acknowledged the negative thoughts and continued to work out, meet the obligations that I had set out.
I assumed that I could put to rest some of the garbage that lives in my head and move on. It seems that I can control it to an extent but it continues to live there. The way that I deal with it is changing. I am not letting it control me and how I eat and what I do, I am in control of it and I am choosing to ignore it this week and hope that it will slink back into it's hiding place sooner rather than later. I must admit that it is tiring and my smile does not come as readily to my face as usual but I am willing to stick it out and win this battle.
The above entry was last week's and I was afraid to publish it because I was afraid. I attempted to ignore what was happening in my head and push forward and not tell anyone what was happening. It did not have the effect that I was looking for. It got worse, it refused to slink back into it's hiding place, it demanded to be dealt with. I did what I know how to do best, I got scared,worried that I couldn't work past it and I stopped. Yes, stopped! I stopped training, stopped attending class and stopped talking to people who could help me over this obstacle. It did not last for long ( the stopping), it was only three days, but it seems like a really long time to me. I was lost and alone.
So what did I do..... Well, I talked my husband's ear off. I made a list of the things that were bothering me, actually two list, one of things I could change and one of things that I needed to accept and move on. I also managed to put into words, how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I shared this with a few people and found out that I am not alone( I never was) and I am not lost(just temporarily misdirected). I hope that I am not making this sound easy, it was one of the toughest weeks that I have experienced. I survived with a little help from my friends.
2 comments:
You made it through. That says more about you than the negative thoughts do. You are stronger than you think.
Man! I totally follow you! I've had times where I "lost my way" but was scared to tell anyone. It's hard because your embarrassed or down on yourself for giving up.
I find every once in a while I need to purge myself of the negative stuff I've got going on. I do it by praying, but lists are good too!
Great job for pulling through!
You know we all have your back and are proud of you:)
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